Gentlemen, welcome to the 2026 Masters. As your commissioner I am pleased to report that the field is competitive, Augusta is beautiful, and several of you are already embarrassing yourselves.
Caleb leads the pool with Rory McIlroy at -5. The defending champion, co-leader of the actual Masters, shooting 67 in his title defense. Caleb drew this man at +1175. I'm sure it had nothing to do with luck.
Blake sits second with Xander Schauffele at -2, who managed to hit a tee shot into a spectator's shopping bag on the 8th hole, take a free drop, and make par. A metaphor for Blake's entire fantasy football career — chaotic, somehow works out.
Keith's Tommy Fleetwood is at -1 and still searching for his first major. Keith and Tommy have a lot in common in that regard.
Kyle and Vijay are tied at even par. Kyle drew Chris Gotterup at +4300. I have nothing sarcastic to add. The man simply got away with something.
Kade, Russell Henley is +1. Moving on.
Josh and I — yes, I am in this too, and no, I am not biased — are tied at +2. Åberg and Fitzpatrick are both underperforming. I accept this with grace and dignity, unlike what I expect from the rest of you.
Matt, Viktor Hovland shot +3 on a day where 66-year-old Fred Couples was making birdies at Amen Corner. I don't know what else to tell you.
And Taylor. Bryson DeChambeau triple bogeyed the 11th after spending what felt like a geological era in a bunker, finished +4, and told reporters that "everything is hooking." Third year in this pool. Third year in last place. Taylor, you have achieved something truly rare — consistency.
Round 2 begins Friday. The cut looms. Pray for your golfers.
— Ben, Commissioner